Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said:

- That was fast.

- Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with.

The other answers:

- That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.

- O.K. - he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says:

- That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

What's the difference between a barmaid in the evening and a barmaid at night?
→ A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
→ A barmaid at night is bare and ....

Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?
→ Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

What is a macho man?
→ After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, 'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says:

- My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.

The man thinks:

- What does a priest know about sex?

So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states:

- My son, sex is definitely play.

The man replies:

- Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?

The Rabbi softly speaks:

- If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

- Ken: So Mr. President did you ever buy Lewinsky any gifts?

- Prez: I don't rightly recall ... actually I did once splash out on a dress for her

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.

- I call my man 'Eight,' - said the first woman, - Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.

The second woman said in response:

- I call my man 'Ten' because his dong is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night.

The first woman then asked the third woman:

- What do you call your man?

She answered:

- 'Creme de Menthe.'

- Why? Isn't that a liqueur? - the other two wanted to know.

- Yep, it is, - said the woman, continuing, - yeah, you betcha!

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks over to a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmer appears. "Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay, just until morning, and I....." The farmer says, "Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, but you'll have to sleep with my two sons...." The salesman says, "Sons! I must be in the wrong joke!"