Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Two men were walking along the street when they came upon a dog licking his dick.

One man said:

- I sure wish I could do that.

The other replied:

- You can, but you're probably going to have to pet him first.

Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
→ They couldn't close his casket.

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm.

The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby.

They waded through the drifts to the house, and after a short conversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able to convince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in.

She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Abe and Morey learned that she was a widow of a few years standing.

Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guest room for Abe and Morey.

The next day about 10:00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfully pulled the salesmen's car our of the ditch, after cleaning the road.

Abe and Morey thanked th widow Brown and went on their rounds.

Nine months later, Abe called Morey, and asked if Morey had, by some chance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the wodow Brown's bedroom after he (Abe) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming and hawing, Morey admitted he had. With a little further prodding, he admitted that he had given the good lady Abe's name, address and phone number as his own.

Where upon Abe said:

- That explains this letter from her lawyer saying she has left her entire estate to me!

Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher:

- What's that, Miss?

Miss decides to play a word game with him and says:

- That's what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy.

Tommy thinks for a moment and then says:

- I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!

What's the difference between a bull and a cow?
→ A bull smiles when you milk it.

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?" The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said:

- You really ought to quit.

She, getting tired of his nagging, said:

- I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.

He replied:

- But they stunt your growth. She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said:

- So, what's your excuse then?

How do you catch a polar bear?
→ First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

What kind of Bees make honey?
→ Honey Bees!

What kind of Bees make Milk?
→ BOOBIES!

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him:

- Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said:

- What's that board for?

The trader said:

- Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this.

They said:

- No way! We've sworn off women for life!

The trader said:

- Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.

- Okay - they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said:

- Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.

The trader said:

- Weren't you in here last year with a partner?

- Yeah - said the guy.

- Where is he? - asked the trader.

- I shot him - said the guy.

- Why?

- I caught him in bed with my board.