Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't.
→ Stick his bill up his ass.

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:

- Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman:

- Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?

- No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband.

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:

- Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?

The saleswoman answers:

- Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split.

To which the Italian woman answers:

- No no no, that's not-a my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says:

- I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.

She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.

After a couple of minutes comes back and says:

- It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.

She replies:

- You mean it shows that, too?

A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Gimme a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

What is pink and moist and split in the middle?
→ A grapefruit!

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom:

- Please be gentle... I am still a virgin.

The startled groom says:

- How can that be? You've been married twice...

The bride responds...

- Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath, she says:

- My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was............. Oh God, I miss him!

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.

She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils, and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils, and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around, just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!

This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.

Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it hurt?) She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought, "oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!