Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.

After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

- Doctor: It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.

- Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

- Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:

- I dddoonnn?t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says:

- All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders:

- I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor.

What do they call condoms in Germany?
→ Weinerhosen

The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him:

- Will it be alright if I have a bath while you're having your lunch?

- It's okay with me lady - said the plumber - as long as you don't splash my sandwiches.

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?
→ Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.

A new medical study has shown that a woman's breast-feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.

What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower?
→ The nun has hope in her soul.

What is old, wrinkled, and hangs out your underwear?
→ Your Mother...

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes, - she says.

- you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities.

- That's right, - says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asks.

- Yes, - says the woman.

- you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer.

- That's right, - replies the doctor.

He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her:

- Do you know what I'm doing now?

- Yes, - she says.

- You're getting herpes.

While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said:

- What happened, did I hurt you ?

"Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that ?"

"Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh, "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."