Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

- So, did you jump? - the father asked.

- Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!

- Is that when you jumped? - asked the father.

- Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.

- Did you jump then? - asked the father.

- I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.

- So, did you jump?

- Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'

- So, did you jump? - asked the father.

- Well, a little, at first.

When a man takes off his pants in a hotel room, what's the first thing to hang out?
→ The DO NOT DISTURB sign!

Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers. The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount!" The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other: "We could eat the 30, I suppose."

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah.

The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said:

- Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment.

The girl sighed and said:

- Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?

How are lawyers like sperm?
→ One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

How is a woman like a road?
→ Both have manholes.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name:

- Fred - he replies.

- Fred what? - the officer asks.

- Just Fred - the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it:

- Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?

The man replies:

- It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

- After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

- Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

- Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred.

The officer let him go without even a warning.

What has four legs and smells like fish?
→ Clinton's desk.

When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.

When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
→ Speed bumps