Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:

- Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?

In a strident voice she responded:

- How dare you make such a proposition to me?

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled:

- I just asked the time, miss.

In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked:

- I will call the police if you say another word!

Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:

- I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements.

The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:

- You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?

How do you circumcise a redneck?
→ Kick his sister in the chin.

The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude.

- Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui! - the Frenchman said, smacking his lips.

So the Italian shot her.

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She replied, "What other way?"

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk off the end.

They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it.

They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it.

They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried:

- Can't we just make his legs longer?

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says:

- See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

- Very good Sally - the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands.

- See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

- Very good Billy - the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

- See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?

Still no one guesses.

- Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father.

Johnny shouts out:

- I know what it is, it's a horny bastard.

How do you know when you have a serious overbite?
→ When beaver starts tasting like shit.

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said:

- You'll have to wait.

- But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now.

- Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.

- Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room.

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

- Go away! - says the madam.

- We don't allow drunks in here!

- I don't want in - says the drunk.

- I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down.

Make a wish!!!
(This is where you have to scroll down)
Really, go on and make one wish!!!

Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that either, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!

Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!

Really!!! Here's how it goes.

Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl?
→ "Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?"