Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Tell ya what though, I don't have it nearly as rough as one of my neighbors. When he attends a wife swapping party, he has to throw in the maid, and a mistress to be named later.

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

- What are they doing, Grandma? - asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrased, so she said:

- The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.

- They're just like people, aren't they Grandma? - said the little one.

- How do you mean? - asked the Grandma.

- Offer someone a helping hand - said the little girl - and they fuck you everytime!

A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.

"Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."

Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said:

- Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.

He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. So, he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back into his office.

- By the way Miss Smith, When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention ? - he said.

- Why no sir - she replied.

- All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died.

The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female.

- No! I'm not doing it anymore! - says the farmer.

- And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.

He went into the confession booth and told the Father:

- Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.

The Father said:

- Tell me who the lady was.

The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

- Was it Mollie O'Grady? - asked the Father.

- No.

- Was it Rosie Kelly?

- No.

- Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?

- No.

- Well then - said the Father - You'll not be forgiven.

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked:

- So, did you find forgiveness.

- No - said the other - but I picked up three good prospects!

How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn?
→ You molest them!.

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
→ Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

Father responds, "Well son, before or after sex?"
Son, "Well, before?"
Father, "Picture a tulip with all the petals son."
Son, "Well what about after?"
Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"

How do you give a cowboy a hard-on?
→ Moooo-ooo-ooo