Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
→ Full.

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents.

What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell.

1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife.... I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote on a method of determining each General's early retirement bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.

They called in the first General. He decide to have them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.

The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.

The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of his balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the measurement, but instead he exclaimed:

- Good God man, where are your balls!!

With a smile the General said:

- I left them in Vietnam.

What's so great about being a dick?

1. You've got a head with no brains.
2. Two nuts follow you around all day.
3. Your neighbor is an asshole.
4. Your best friend is a cunt!

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

- My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that! - said young Harry.

- Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that! - Tommy said.

- That's nothing! - declared little Johnny.

- My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.

One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

- Sergeant-Major! - the colonel shouted.

- Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.

- Yessir - the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

- Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave - the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry.

- Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?

- Yessir - the Sgt. Major replies.

- Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major? - the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says:

- Sir. It's you he's fond of.

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said:

- Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw.

- That guy - said the bride:

- double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!

What does a lesbian think the string on the end of a tampoon is for?
→ For flossing after eating.

A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."