Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.

The brain said:

- I should be boss, since I control what the person thinks.

The hands said:

- I should be boss because I do almost everything for the person.

The legs declared:

- I shuld be boss since I carry the body and all the weight is on me.

So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.

Then the Asshole spoke up:

- I think I should be boss, because..

He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him:

- You, an asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!

The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.

The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not take it anymore.

- Ok, ok, you're the boss! - they gave in.

So the asshole became the boss of the body.

The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, you just need to be an asshole.

The drinker announced to the bartender:

- It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company.

- That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?

- I'm not sure yet, - he answered.

- During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know.

It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. The judge was about to make his decision he said:

- Im sorry mickey, I cant grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth

Mickey retorted:

- I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!

Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't

• I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
• Mind if I use your laptop?
• Put this in my box before you leave.
• I want it on my desk now!
• Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid.
• My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!
• It's an entry level position.
• When do you think you'll be getting off today?
• It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.

The first one says:

- I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle.

The second one says:

- That big or that green?

The first one says:

- That Sour.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks:

- What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?

The little girl replies:

- I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says:

- I thought Barbie comes with Ken.

- No - said the little girl - She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club.

- Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?

- No thanks - she said sweetly.

- I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

- Oh look - says the 2nd nun...

- A soap dispenser.

To test her theory she also pulls his dick... and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...

- Look, hand cream!

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- Man: What are you doing here today?

- Woman: Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Man: Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.