Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?
→ He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as fast.

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
→ Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom.

"Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way."

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?
→ Because he's plugged into a woman!

What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ Hehe...it doen't matter, it's not going to come anyway!

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!

Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he finishes the disgusted bartender says:

- Why in the hell did you shit on my bar?

The drunk replies:

- Even Elvis had to clear his throat!

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

- I tried to be an actress and failed - she complained.

- I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.

The shrink thought for a moment and said...:

- Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says...:

- Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells:

- I thought I told you to be quiet!

Jerry says:

- Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!

What did Michael Jackson say when his cock slid in the little boys arse?
→ There is a great musician in you.