Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

- It's O.K., - he replied.

- it's written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil:

- The hat check girl puts out!

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse maybe used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

So this Mexican dude was taking a piss on the side of a building and this white dude sees him. After the Mexican is done the white guy asks him:

- How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands after you pee?

And the Mexican guy replies:

- Because we Mexicans don't piss in our hands

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

- Wow, this is great - he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

- Hey - he called.

- I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

- Yes. Come and join us - they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

- What else do you wild rabbits do? - he asked.

- Well - one of them said.

- You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again:

- What else do you do?

- You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

- Is there anything else you guys do? - he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

- There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there - he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.

- They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

- That was fantastic - he panted.

- So are you going to live with us then? - one of them asked.

- I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.

- Why? We thought you liked it here.

- I do - our friend replied.

- But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
→ He gets taller!!

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

- Doctor, Doctor, - she called.

- I saw some movement!

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.

- Well this is good news, - said the Doctor.

- I think we should call her husband and let him know.

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction.

- I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex, - he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

- Oops, - he said.

- I think I choked her.

How do you change a blonde's mind?
→ Blow in her ear.

- How did it happen? - the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

- Well, doc, 25 years ago...

- Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.

- Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said:

- No, everything is fine.

- Are you sure - she asked.

- I'm sure - I said.

- Isn't there anything I can do for you??? - she wanted to know.

- I reckon not - I replied.

- Excuse me - said the doctor.

- What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?

- Well, this morning - the farmhand explained.

- when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says:

- OOOOOhhh that looks like semen.

She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says:

- It feels like semen.

The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says:

- It smells like semen.

The blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says:

- It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . .

Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1. When reaching your sexual climax do you?
   a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
   b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
   c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.
2. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?
   a) Whisper back "I love you too".
   b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
   c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".
3. After you have made love to your wife do you?
   a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
   b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
   c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.
4. If you break wind during the night do you?
   a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
   b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off.
   c) Blame her and give her a boot.
5. If she breaks wind do you?
   a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
   b) Clout the bitch.
   c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.
6. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro. Do you?
   a) Close the door quietly and clear off.
   b) Join in and stick it up the negro's arse.
   c) Dowse them both with petrol and set fire to the cunts.
7. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and she's in the bath. Do you?
   a) Go next door and use theirs.
   b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the shell".
   c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings taking off.
8. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?
   a) Wait until next week.
   b) Wank.
   c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the Ribena ad.
9. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?
   a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
   b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
   c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get pissed.
10. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?
    a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
    b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
    c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.
0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.

30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.