Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

How would a blonde punctuate the following? "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
→ Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

How does a blonde part their hair?
→ (Action of scissoring legs apart)
→ By doing the splits.

What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
→ If either one of them end up on there back they are both f*cked.

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads.

"Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.

"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!"

An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered."

The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive lowered??"

To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."

The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."

"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"

"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass!

What did the blonde do when she got her period?
→ Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?