Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's long, hard, and has semen in it?
→ A submarine!

A Japanese guy is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars. He counts his money at the counter.

"Wait a minute," he says to the clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What's going on here?"

"Fluctuations," says the clerk.

The Japanese man stiffens. "Well! Fluck you Americans, too!"

There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news.

"Ohhhh no!!!" the patient wailed, "I'll never be able to experience an erection again!"

"Of course you'll still be able to experience erections," replied one surgeon, "only it will have to be someone else's!"

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."

The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?"

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."

"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."

"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"

"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

Have you heard about the new medication that both an aphrodisiac and laxative?

It's called "Easy Cum, Easy Go".

You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.

What did Adam say to Eve?
→ Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

What's so bad about being a dick?
→ Your closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you in a plastic bag, And every time you get excited you spew.

Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
→ Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."

The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."

"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"

"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."