Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Ingredients:

• 2 Laughing Eyes
• 2 Loving Arms
• 2 Well Shaped Legs
• 2 Firm Milk Containers
• 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
• 2 Large Nuts
• 1 Large Banana

Method:

1. Look into Loving Eyes.
2. Fold in Loving Arms.
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.

Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl.

N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.

Erik Williams, 21, of the 3600 block of South Michigan Avenue, was arrested in Chicago on May 18 and charged with sexually assaulting (forced fellatio) a 42-year-old woman. The victim arrived at a police station in the early morning hours clutching, in her hand, testicles that she had just bitten off. At about the same time, Williams showed up at Michael Reese Hospital missing his testicles. Doctors confirmed that the testicles were Williams' but were unable to reattach them.

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.

With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

You know why there's a string on a tampon?
→ So the crabs can bungee jump.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, "Hey, do you fancy dropping in there and getting shit-faced?"

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
→ Opens the car door.

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
→ Kick open the car door.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.

What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Are you boys all in the same band?"

Why is a blonde like a door knob?
→ Because everybody gets a turn.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
→ Because she's been laid all over the country.

What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
→ Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
→ She drops her nail-file

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
→ Data transfer.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
→ A wine cellar.

Why are there no dumb brunettes?
→ Peroxide.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up.

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
→ They both wriggle when you eat them.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
→ In case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
→ So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender replies, "Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar."

The man asks, "What are the tasks?"

"First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.

Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.

Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play." said the bartender.

"Damn." says the man.

Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, "I'm in."

He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold.

The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back. All you hear is the dog howling. Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, "Now where's that lady with the blunt tooth."

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosum is being pressured.

Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.

Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.

Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.