Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?
→ Sparky

Who's got long blonde hair and big tits, and lives in Melbourne, Australia?
→ Salman Rushdie.

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom. "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't work!" she yelled. "What do you mean?" asked Mom. "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South.

He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

- Ask you what?

- If I'm a boy or a girl.

- Don't matter. Gonna fuck ya anyway.

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

A wish for Christmas It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup.

He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds"Nope". So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said"Nope". Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. Where to the little responds"Nope". Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little boy "Then what the fuck do you want for christmas"? The little boy then looked at santa and said"I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any because I can smell it on your finger"!

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.

Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith I thought you told me your penis died".

"It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"