Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

The doctor because he says "Take your clothes off."

The dentist because he says "Open wide."

The hair dresser because he says "Do you want them teased or blown?"

The milkman because he says "Do you want it in the back or in the front?"

The interior decorator because he says "Once it's in you'll love it."

The banker because he says "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
→ They both have balls just for decoration.

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: "You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"

"Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."

The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."

When I was growing up I used to lick all the kids on the block except for the Browns...

They were boys.

What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip?
→ He put it on.

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!" She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!". The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!