Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society."

"Wow, that's wonderful."

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?"

"I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out."

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.

The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"

A bus stops and this old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and the driver thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop and this old man gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe and thought I found it twice then realized mine is parted down the side, and the two I saw were parted down the middle!"

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
→ They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?
→ She has the whitest teeth I've ever cum across.

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough!"

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.

I told him, "Just give them your underwear."

Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's?
→ Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter, and they don't mind if you bring friends.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
→ Because they have cotton balls.

Why don't women have any brains?
→ Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.