Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

"So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said.

"The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

"No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"

A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said, "When I solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have married you."

"Faith, I thought as much," said the cunning lady, "but as I had been cheated two or three times before, I was determined not to be fool'd again!"

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
→ Castrated.

Why do blondes have square boobs?
→ Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.

"Dad," says the son, "what do I do tonight? I'm very nervous."

"Don't worry," comforts the father. "It's all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees."

So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!

Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"

As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.

The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.

They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"

The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"

He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.

Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"

The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!"

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks, "Santa, will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies, "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay!

I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

What is the difference between a hog and a man?
→ A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She replies, "Hell no!"

The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
→ They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.