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To: All Male U.S. Citizens
From: I.R.S. Service Center
Re: Notice of increase in tax payments

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size. The categories are as follows:

• 10 - 12 inches....... Luxury Tax $30.00
• 8 -10............... Pole Tax $25.00
• 5 -8................ Privilege Tax $15.00
• 4 -5................ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
I.R.S

An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend."

"That sounds fine," she purred.

And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?"

The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company."

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.

"Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!"

"Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings."

"No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag."

The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living."

"Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before."

"Still want me to play?" said the other.

"Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her."

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?"

"$10,000 a bullet," said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it."

"Which one?" said the hit man.

"Both," said the exec.

"That's $20,000, you know."

"I don't care, hit 'em both."

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked.

"Blow his nuts off" said the exec.

"How about the woman?"

"In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway."

"Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars."

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says: "Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!"

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom. "Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock". Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around. "Where's the clock sir?", she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants. "That's not a clock Mr. Clinton !", she exclaimed.

"It will be", he replied, "Once you put two hands and a face on it !".

What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
→ A brain tumor.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

• She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
• She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
• She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
• She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
• She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
• She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
• She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
• She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
• She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
• She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
• She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
• She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
• She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
• She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
• She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
• She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
• She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.

A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.

"Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.

Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that."

The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! ...

IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"