Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
→ The rest are hunt'n peckers.

One day a mother and father were having sex and their son walked in. The kid asked:

- What are you doing?

Well, you wanted a brother, so we're making you one.

The next day, the father walks outside and sees his son porking away on the family junker's tailpipe.

- Son...what the hell are you doing!!!

And the son replied:

- Mom said she wanted an new car, so I'm making her one!

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.

Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

- I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer:

- I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up:

- I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
→ I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
→ Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.

A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Clem said:

- Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him.

So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said:

- Nope, it ain't Clyde.

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said:

- Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over.

So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said:

- Nope, it ain't Clyde.

Frustrated, the mortician asked:

- How can you tell?

Zeke answered:

- Well, Clyde had two assholes.

- What!? - The disbelieving mortician asked.

- He had TWO assholes?

- Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes.

Ever time we went to town, folks would say...'Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!'

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

- Not guilty - the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said:

- Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said:

- What was the date again?

One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend:

- My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

Why is a blonde like Australia?
→ They're both down under, and no one cares.

What do blonde's have against condoms?
→ Their cheeks.