Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times. Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky. All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

- Whats wrong? - asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out". "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl. "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. - No - replied the boy - I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

- A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments:

- See! That was more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold:

- Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.

Again the wife bugs her husband:

- Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale:

- And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells:

- That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:

- Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!

What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
→ A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
→ S&M&M.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

- Well - she said.

- The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

- The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

- The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.

GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
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   I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.
3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire....
   I found your cat...
   Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...
   Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.

He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

- Yeah daddy, yeah daddy - said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.

- Say, Pop - said the boy.

- Yes - replied his father.

- The bull just screwed the brown cow!

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.

- Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow.

The father went back inside the house.

After a while the boy came in and said:

- Hey, Daddy!

- Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white cow?

- He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!

Why do men always give their penis a name?
→ Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them.

How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra?
→ They'll be square because they forget to take the Klennex out of the box.