Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Whats the definition of love, true love, and showing off?
→ Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut?
→ Hold on to your nuts, it's going to be a hell of a blow job!

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:

- Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?

In a strident voice, she responded:

- How dare you make such a proposition to me!

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled:

- I just asked for the time, miss.

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked:

- I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:

- I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:

- YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.

So his wife says:

- What happened to you?

The man says:

- When I was young, I had the kneesles.

He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.

- Hmmm, well what happened to your feet? - inquires the wife.

- When I was a young boy, I had tolio.

So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies:

- Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

- First surgeon: I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys.

- Second surgeon: That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!

- Third surgeon: Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire country out of work!

If you've got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?
→ Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.

Did you hear the slogan for the new "Stealth Condom?"
→ They'll never see you coming.

What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
→ Bingo!

A man goes to the doctor and says:

- Doc, you have to help me!

The doctor asks:

- What's your problem?

The guy says:

- Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.

- Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw.......

- So...???? - asked the doctor.

- What's your problem???

The guy says:

- Well, it hurts when I masturbate!

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him:

- Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.

The doctor nods and gives her some pills.

- Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor:

- What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!

The doctor nodded:

- It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!