Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied:

- I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.

So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said:

- That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said:

- That'll be fifty dollars.

- Fifty dollars?!?! - the woman exclaimed.

- You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!

- Yes, I did - said the owner.

- But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.

The Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex:

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
14. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
15. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
16. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
17. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the next morning.
    ... and the number one reason trick-or-treating is better than sex ....
19. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

- Where did you get such a functional bike? - asked the first.

The second engineer replied:

- Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said:

- Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly:

- Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says:

- In America, we call this a hug.

She replies:

- Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says:

- In America, we call this a kiss.

She replies:

- Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says:

- In America, we call this a grass sandwich.

She says:

- Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.

What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?
→ The more you bang 'em the looser they get.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the jaw.

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says:

- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day.

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says:

- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine.

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says...:

- I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat!

"Bloody Stump" by: Rusty Zipper
"Sliding Down a Flagpole" by: Dick Burns
"Brown Spots on the Wall" By: Whoflung Dung

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The first one said:

- You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.

The second one said:

- No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said:

- Now THAT'S a good date!!

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl:

- I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says:

- Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.

Earl says:

- You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says:

- I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!

Chester says:

- Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says:

- This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says:

- Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!