Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

- It's a very handy thing - God told the couple - and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty.

Adam jumped up and blurted:

- Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please.

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

- Fine - God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers.

- What's left here?

- Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked:

- What are those for?

The elderly gentleman replied:

- There are just two things I can't stand... the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said:

- I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped.

His buddy said:

- I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked:

- Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?

- She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.

Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?
→ Her dog is blind also.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
→ Neither did she.

Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
→ She needed the other hand to moan.

What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?
→ She screamed her hands off!

You've seen the Helen Keller doll?
→ Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.

Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies room?
→ She feels her way around.

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
→ Answering the iron.

How did she burn her other ear?
→ They called back.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
→ You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw. (make strange noise)

Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?
→ So her friends could read her lips.

How did Helen Keller break her hand?
→ Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.

HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?
→ BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!

How did Helen Keller drive her car?
→ One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
→ On a blind date!

What's Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?
→ A Manicure.

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
→ Answering the stapler.

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
→ Velcro.

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?
→ She was wearing gloves.

What was Helen Keller's speech impediment?
→ Calluses.

How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?
→ They made her wear mittens.

Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
→ So she could always find him.

Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
→ From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.

How did Helen Keller go crazy?
→ Trying to read the stucco walls.

How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
→ She shouted hysterically.

Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?
→ It was hell on the seeing eye dog!

What goes ("CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?)?
→ Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.

Seen Stevie Wonder's new video?
→ He hasn't either.

A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what they're are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies:

- They're making cakes.

The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer:

- They're making cakes.

The next morning the little girl says to her mother:

- Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night.

The Mother replies:

- How do you know?

The girl says:

- I licked the icing off the sofa!

Whats the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader?
→ When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:

- Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?

The father replies:

- Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.

The boy goes and asks his mother:

- Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?

The mother replies:

- Hell yes I would!

The little boy returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

The father then says:

- Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.

The boy asks his sister:

- Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?

The sister replies:

- Hell yes I would!

He returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

The father answers:

- Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.

A worried father confronted his daughter one night:

- I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it.

- Oh no, Daddy - the daughter replied - Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:

- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.

The rattlesnake said:

- All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted:

- Oh no! I was riding the mare!