Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

- Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

- He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.

- This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

- Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!

- Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

- When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

- Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back.

- Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

- Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

- After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel...

- I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway.

- He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

- I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

- This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.

Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly.

In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, "I must say Grace!" "Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen."

(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said:

- My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can't get them apart.

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.

She said:

- Yes, but it didn't work.

He said:

- Did you try hitting them with a broom.

She said:

- Yes, but that didn't work either.

He then said:

- Well Ma'am here's what you do. Hang up. I'll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.

She said:

- Do you really think that will work?

He said:

- Well it just did for me!

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man:

- So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?

- Yes, Doc, - the old man slowly responded.

- My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.

This took the doctor quite by surprise.

- You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?

- Well, - the old man said.

- I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.

Still confused, the doctor said:

- I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive.

- Doc, - the old man said.

- You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here, pointing to his head, to here, pointing to between his legs.

A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks:

- What does one do about sex around here?

The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.

Then he asks:

- Can I do this every day?

- Yes, every day, except Wednesdays.

- Why not on Wednesdays?

- Wednesdays is YOUR turn inside the barrel!

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver:

- I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said:

- Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

How did Dairy Queen (U.S. restaurant) get Pregnant?
→ Burger King showed her it's Whopper.

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
21. I can see the gun of Navarone.
22. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
23. You've got Windows on your laptop.
24. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
25. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
26. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
27. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
28. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
29. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
30. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
31. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
32. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
33. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
34. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
35. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
36. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
37. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
38. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
39. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood. Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

- This is a brothel - replied the madam.

- Well, what's all this out on the lawn? - queried the man.

- Oh, we're having a yard sale today.

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:

- Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.

The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

- Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked!

- You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied:

- Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!