Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.

He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

- Yes? - she inquires with a knowing smile, - can I help you?

- I was wondering - whispers the man - are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

- Yes - she purrs - indeed I am!

The man replies:

- Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000.

- How's this? We've only been here one night! - the man was annoyed.

- So? - said the manager - this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.

- But we didn't use any of these! - explained the couple.

- If you didn't use - that's your problem - came the reply.

- In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill - said the man.

- What do you mean? - the manager was taken off guard - I didn't sleep with your wife!

- If you didn't use - that's your problem!

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

- Hey kid! - the farmer says:

- where ya goin' with that wire?

- Well - the kid drawls:

- this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!

- You can't catch chickens with chicken wire! - says the farmer.

- Sure I can! - the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

- Hey kid! - the farmer yells:

- where ya goin' with that tape?

- Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape - says the kid:

- this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!

- You can't catch ducks with duck tape! - says the farmer.

- Sure I can! - the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

- Hey kid! - the farmer says:

- where ya goin' with that stick?

- Well, this here ain't just any old stick - says the kid:

- this here's pussy willow.

- Hang on - says the farmer:

- I'll get my hat!

What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork?
→ Kermit's Dick

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

- The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued:

- Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

- How much for a season pass?

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides:

- What the heck, I really want a drink.

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy:

- What's the name of your penis?

- Guy: Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.

- Waiter: I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.

The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks:

- Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?

- Other customer: Timex!

- First guy: Why Timex?

- Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.

- First guy: What's the name of your penis?

- Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?

Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.

- Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is 'Secret'!

- Waiter: (pouring beer) Why 'Secret'?

- Guy: (proudly) Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with:

- Somebody's gonna get it tonight!

In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.

"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."

Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed.

- Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight! - the parrot said.

The owl said:

- Who? Who?

And the parrot said:

- Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
→ An insurance company.

It's a bummer to be an egg because...

1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5. The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.