Random joke from this category
The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.
- Father, - the young couple asked ... is it ok to have sex before Mass?
The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ...:
- yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.
Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says:
- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.
The grandfather smiles:
- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says:
- Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?
The grandfather replies:
- Yes, I know. But that's from your grandma!
The head nun at the convent says:
- I found a pair of men's underwear under my desk!
Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes:
- Heh, heh, heh...
She says:
- And I found a used condom on my desk!
Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes:
- Heh, heh, heh...
She says:
- And there was a huge tear in the condom!
One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go:
- Heh, heh, heh.
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And an airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
This suave-looking Redneck, (ok, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl who's had too much to drink.
He says to her:
- Hey, baby...whataya say we go back to your place and get it on!
Lost in her drink, she replies:
- Sure, why not!
They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says:
- Ok, show me what you do best!.
Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, grabs her T.V., VCR, and purse and runs out the door!
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.
- One penny?!
The barman replied:
- Yes.
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:
- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?
- Certainly sir, but all that comes to real money.
- How much money?
- Four cents.
- Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?
- Upstairs with my wife.
- What's he doing with your wife?
- Same as what I'm doing to his business.
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex:
- Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small - he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
- Well, American beer - he replies quite bemused.
- Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
- I take it you now drink Guinness? - asked the doctor.
- Oh no, Doc - replies the man - but I've got the wife on American beer!
A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year-old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
- We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant - she confessed miserably.
- I'm sure we'll solve your problem - the doctor reassured her.
- If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.
- Well, all right, doctor - agreed the young woman, blushing.
- but I'd rather have my husband's baby.
