Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her:

- Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

- Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic - she replied in a loud voice.

What is the difference between men and women?
→ A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?
→ Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
     → Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...
222. Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself:

- oh well ! and turned around and drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly:

- Awww, look at the dead birdie

The blonde stops, looks up, and says:

- Where?

226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says:

- Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!

Or:

- Good thing that cows don't fly.

227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
     Cop: Do you know where you were going?
     Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway:

- Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?

- Driver's licence? What's that?...

- It's a little card with your picture on it.

- Oh, duh! Here it is...

- May I have your car insurance?

- What's that?...

- It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.

- Oh this? Duh! Here you go...

The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:

- Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!

229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
     Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
     Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!
     Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
     Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
     Blonde: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

- There might be some matches in the top drawer - she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry.

- Is this your husband? - he inquires nervously.

- No, silly - she replies, snuggling up to him.

- Your boyfriend then?

- No, don't be daft - she says, nibbling away at his ear.

- Well, who is he then? - demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies:

- That's me before the operation.

5 Good Reasons not to be a Penis!

1. You're bald your entire life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. You live between two nuts.
4. An asshole lives behind you.
5. When you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.

A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.

He stops, turns around and shouts:

- Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

- Excuse me - our man stammered - but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.

- Yeah? So? - his hulking neighbor replied.

- Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

- OK - the husband says gruffly - for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits.

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

- Well, come on already, kiss 'em! - he growls.

- I can't - replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

- Why not? - demands the husband, getting really angry now.

- I don't have ten thousand dollars.

A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower.

It's at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says...:

- Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?

The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks back at the little girl and winks...:

- When your mommy goes to the mall!

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says:

- Tail gunner to pilot... Tail gunner to pilot..

The eagle says:

- what do you want?

The mouse asks how high up they are.

The eagle thinks for a moment and then says:

- ohh about 5,000 ft.

The mouse then replies:

- You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??