Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said:

- Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!

The dog said:

- Oh please don't be like that, I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!

The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and it's owner.

After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog:

- Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??

- Sure! - Replied the dog.

The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left.

When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said:

- It's ok he's gone down to the bakery for me

The owner was livid:

- It IS NOT OK he's never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.

The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the streets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's wicked way with a lady poodle.

- ROVER! - Shouted the owner

- You've had me worried sick, what's the matter with you you've never dissapeared like this before!

The dog replied:

- I've never had a fiver before!

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife:

- Where's the rake?

She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says:

- What?!

She says:

- I left tit behind the bush.

Dear [Name],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply...

- Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

- Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

- The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

- Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

- You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

- Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

- Your legs are skinnier than mine.

- You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

- You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

- You have a hairy back.

- I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

- The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

- The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

- You still live with your parents.

- Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

- Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

- Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

- Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

- Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

- I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

What's the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun?
→ The nun has a soul full of hope.

What's the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show?
→ The circus is an array of cunning stunts.

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly:

- cough drops and snickered.

Just then the cop approached the old gal and said:

- What are you doing here, m'am?

The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied:

- Well, I can suck em can't I?

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said:

- I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

- My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

- What do you mean? - asked the attorney.

- Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

- No - replied the woman - and neither does the little queer.

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says:

- OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says:

- Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

- WOW! - was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked:

- Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered:

- 10 pounds.

The bartender said:

- Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said:

- Just had him circumcised!

Sources close to President Clinton say he is proposing a new national anthem for the United States, "Yank my Dandy Doodle!"

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."