Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".

The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the King finally spoke out:

- I have the mightiest weapon of them all!

He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not even a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says:

- Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?

The little boy thinks for a moment and says:

- NONE!

The teacher replies:

- None, how do you figure that?

The little boy says:

- If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.

The teacher replies:

- Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!

The little boy then says:

- Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies:

- Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.

To which the little boy replies:

- Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!

Do you know what a dog and a screen door have in common?
→ the more you bang them the looser they get.

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
→ A DICTATOR!!

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said:

- You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?

She answered by saying:

- I bought it with the insurance money!

She then said:

- Irving, remember that new car you promised me?

She answered again saying:

- Well, I bought it with the insurance money!

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said:

- Irving remember that BlowJob I promised you? Here it comes...

"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said:

- This one will go a little over a 100

Astonished the Yankee said:

- Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way

The farmer laughed and called to his young son:

- Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said:

- This here pig weighs about 100 pounds

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said:

- Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman

The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume.

- This is called 'Perhaps' - said the sales clerk.

- It's $285 per ounce.

- Listen, for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called...

- You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !! - the man shot back.

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."

Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard.

Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.

The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate.

- I've got some good news and some bad news - the mate said on the telephone.

- Well, give me the good news first - replied the other.

- The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins - came the reply.

- And the bad news?

- Mine died.