Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

- Sure - said the druggist.

- Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up.

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.

- Shit - said the first bloke,

- as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!

- What's the rush? - his mate asked.

- The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me - the bloke replied.

How do you castrate a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the mouth!

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.

St. Peter goes to the nuns and says:

- I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin.

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter:

- I once touched a man's penis with this finger.

St. Peter thought for a while and said:

- I'm sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around.

She did as she was instructed and "PING" she was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and said:

- I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand.

Again St. Peter thought for a while and said:

- I'm sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in.

The second nun did as she was instructed and "ping" she was in.

All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this:

- How come you cut in front of Sister?

The 4th nun replied:

- I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaked her ass in it!

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

- Mother, where do babies come from? - The mother thinks for a few seconds and says:

- Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues:

- That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.

- Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

- Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.

- That man beside me is fumbling his crotch - one whispers to the other.

- Just ignore it - is the answer.

- Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other:

- Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse.

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

- That's okay - the blonde replied,

- If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car.

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?" He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.

Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said:

- Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?

The driver said:

- Sure.

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked:

- Do you want a screwdriver?

He said:

- Sure! But, first I have to change this tire.

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."