Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
→ The top of her head.

Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad.

The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.

Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says:

- Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us... where is it?

Why did the condom fly across the road?
→ It was pissed off!!

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.

An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and says he'll give her a ride home.

On the way he looks her over and says:

- You're a pretty good looking old broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass.

She says:

- What???!!!

But then thinks that the old age check isn't due for 5 more days, so she agrees.

They are lying on the bed after it's over having the usual smoke and he says to her:

- Geez, if I had known that you were a virgin I would have offered you $20.00!

She looks back at him and says:

- If I had known you could get it up I would have taken off my pantyhose!

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said:

- Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin.

The doctor checks her out and says:

- I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.

Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker, and he says:

- How much?

She says:

- Twenty bucks.

He says:

- All right.

They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.

She says:

- What's the extra five?

He says:

- That's for blowing the sand off my balls.

A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along very well, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartment for a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, he asked if he could give her an old fashioned kiss.

Her reply was:

- At a time like this you want me to change positions?

201. What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
     → A blond electrician
202. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
     → So brunettes can remember them.
     → Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
203. Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde????
     → She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
204. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
     → Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
205. What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
     → A thought.
206. Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
     → Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
207. Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
     → She realized she gave her last blowjob.
208. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
     → She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
209. Why did they call the blond twinkie?
     → She liked to be filled with cream.
210. What did the blonde do when she got her period?
     → Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
211. Why do blondes have periods?
     → They deserve them
212. What did the blonde say to the physicist?
     → "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
213. Why are blondes like cornflakes?
     → Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
214. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
     → You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
215. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
     → Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
216. How does a blonde hold her liquor?
     → By the ears.
217. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
     → Change.
218. How does a blonde moonwalk?
     → She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
219. What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
     → A brain tumor.
220. Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
     → Because you don't have to marry them for sex!

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend:

- My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.

The policeman looks over at Johnny and says:

- Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?

The youngster responds, proudly:

- Ya, Santa brought it for me.

The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying:

- Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it.

Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says:

- And did Santa bring you that horse?

Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers:

- Why, yes, he did.

To which Johnny responds:

- Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top.