Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

And more on blondes...

But why do brunettes take the pill?
→ Wishful Thinking.

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.

- It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours.

- That sounds wonderful - said Brian.

- Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

- Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

- Baaaaaaa.

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. "Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them." At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her:

- Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?

- Because I'm a prostitute.

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly:

- Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do.

- One: Take out your penie-pipe.

- Two: Pull back the foreskin.

- Three: Pee.

- Four: Push back your foreskin.

- Five: Put your equipment back.

The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over:

- Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!

- Hell, whut's he doin' in there? - Joe said.

- I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' 'Two-four, two-four, two-four......'

A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor:

- Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the organ?

- Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business?

- Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that have to do with anything?

- Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
→ Because men keep telling them that this |<---------------------->| is 12 inches.

Why do bankers make great lovers?
→ They know the penalty for early withdrawal.

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"