Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her:

- Well, what can I do for you madam?

The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says:

- You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential.

So the patient says:

- My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?

- Sure - the doctor says.

- It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment.

The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards her, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand and a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand.

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me? - shouts the patient.

- Nothing - says the doctor.

- I'm just going to open the roof window a little.

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented:

- Boy, your ass is getting big. Almost as big as the gas grill here.

She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying:

- Yep, that thing is getting huge.

At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed:

- It IS as big as the gas grill!

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away.

- C'mon, honey, - he said.

- what's wrong?

Her cold reply was:

- I'm not firing up this grill for just one little weiner!

A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

- How did you get that mark on your chest? - asks the doctor.

- Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love, - she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

- How did you get that mark on your chest? - asks the doctor.

- Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love, - she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

- Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan? - asks the doctor.

- No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

Whats worse than shit on Olivia Newton Johns face?
→ Cum on Eileen.

This black guy is walking along a beach when he looks down and sees an antique lamp. Thinking that he'll get enough money for another vial of crack, he takes the bottle home and starts to clean it. He starts rubbing the lamp, when all of a sudden a Jewish genie appears, and being a Jewish genie, he say's to the nigger that he have two wishes. The black guy thinks for a couple of seconds, and quickly says:

- I want to be white and surrounded by cunt.

In an instant he is turned into a tampon.

Now the morale of this story is: Don't ever expect anything from a Jew without strings attached.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
→ MMmmmm, tastes like chicken!

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says:

- Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away.

The tallest altar boy turns around and yells:

- Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work....

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her:

- Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?

- Well, - she replied, - you can start by buying me a drink.