Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Hey, Pal - the irate druggist shouted.

- Put that cigar out while you are in my store!

- I bought this cigar here! - claimed the Customer.

- Big Deal! - said the Druggist.

- We sell condoms too.

- First - said the playboy - I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.

- Oh no you're not - said the girl.

- Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.

- Oh no you're not.

- Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.

- Oh no you're not.

- Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you.

- Oh no you're not.

- And I'm not going to wear a condom either! - said the guy.

- Oh yes you are! - said the girl.

A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says:

- Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me.

- Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over.

The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up.

The doctor is quite surprised:

- I see what the problem is your penis is so large that it's pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords.

- W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?

- Sure I can but we'll need to cut off about 8 inches

- I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-any more do it.

Six months later the guy goes back to the doc:

- Well doc I must say that the operation was a great success but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off

The doc replies:

- F-f-f-f-f-fuck Off!

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said:

- Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job.

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said:

- Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said:

- Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.

One eagle says to the other:

- Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?

The other replies:

- Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!

- Woman: Slow down, foreplay is an art.

- Man: Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon, I'm going to spill my paint!

Which of the following doesn't belong?

- (a) meat

- (b) eggs

- (c) wife

- (d) blow job

(D) A blowjob, because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
→ They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
→ Her ankles.

What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
→ Lipstick.

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
→ Because red means stop.

Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
→ Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

Why don't blondes use vibrators?
→ They chip their teeth.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
→ From eating with forks.

Why do blondes wear panties?
→ They make good ankle warmers.

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
→ Cause their balls show!

What do blondes do for foreplay?
→ Remove their underwear.

What's the mating call of the blonde?
→ "I'm sooo drunk!"

What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
→ (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

What's the mating call of the brunette?
→ "All the blondes have gone home!"

What's a brunette's mating call?
→ Has that blonde gone yet?

What's the mating call of the redhead?
→ "Next!"

Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
→ Because they can spell it.

What is 74 to a blonde?
→ 69 plus G.S.T.

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
→ Toes go in first.

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
→ Tits go in front.

What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
→ "Have another beer."

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.

The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says:

- Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion.

Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the old rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says:

- I think I'll name my husband 'Seven-UP'.

- Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband 'Seven-UP'? - queries one of the old gals.

- Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up! - replies the first lady.

The second lady then muses a bit and says:

- I think I'm going to name my LeRoy 'Mountain Dew'.

- Why, sister, why are you going to name him 'Mountain Dew'?

- Well, cuz mountin' is one thing he do real well - the second lady says.

Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask:

- And, what will you name your husband, sister?

- I've been thinking that I just might name him 'Jack Daniels' - she said.

- Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!

- That's my LeRoy! - the third woman responds.

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and they're having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says:

- we're playing poker - and the mother says:

- & I'm his partner.

He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what they're doing. The grandfather says:

- We're playing poker - and the grandmother says:

- & I'm his partner.

He then goes into his brothers room and he's wanking. He asks what he's doing. The brother says:

- I'm playing poker.

The other brother asks why he doesn't have a partner and the brother replies:

- You don't need a partner if you have a good hand !