Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
→ Yes, Intercourse....you go between periods and you are expected to come.

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

- How long will he be on crutches? - she asked.

- Crutches??? - the doctor asked.

- Well, yes - the woman said.

- You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?

What do people do for fun on Halloween?
→ They monsterbate.

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

- Good day, how may we help you today?

Very uncomfortably, she asks:

- Sir, how much does this rug cost?

He answers:

- Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is.

This chick walks into a doctor's office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does. The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks:

- do you know what I'm doing now

and she replies:

- you're checking for menopause

and he says:

- very good.

Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her:

- do you know what I'm doing now

and she says:

- checking for breast cancer

and he says:

- very good.

Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he's doing now and she replies:

- contracting genital herpes cause that's why I came to see you

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

What's the difference between hard and light?
→ You can sleep with a light on.

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....

- Cop: What the hell are you two doing?

- Boy: We're necking.

- Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.

- I can't help feeling that we've met before - he said.

- Yeah, I know - sighed the girl, stretching. It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.