Random joke from this category
A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!
A Polish family is sitting in the living room.
The wife turns to the husband and says:
- Let's send the kids out back to p-l-a-y, so we can fuck.
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!):
- Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now.
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
- Yes, yes - signed the mute.
- Let's have the first treatment right now!
- Very well - replied the specialist.
- Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in.
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he 'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.
The mute jumped from the table, screaming:
- AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
- VERY good - smiled the doctor.
- Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'.
A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"
This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks:
- What for?
She says:
- I want to kill my husband.
He says:
- Sorry, I can't do that.
She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He says:
- You didn't tell me you had a prescription...
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar.
- Bartender, - he says. Give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab.
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he's at her side.
- That was very kind of you, - she says.
- Won't you sit down?
After a few minutes of small talk, she says:
- Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings.
- I'm surprised, - says Berkowitz.
- But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs.
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says:
- I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish.
- Well, I am, - she replies a little defensively.
- Why do you ask?
- Well, I'm Jewish, too, - says Berkowitz.
- And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount.
- Dammit, - she replies.
- I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any profit!
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks:
- What the hell was that?
He replies:
- Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.
She thinks to herself:
- I'm gonna fix him.
Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her:
- What was that?
She replies:
- Touchdown, tie score.
Now he thinks:
- I'm gonna fix her.
He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks:
- Now what the hell was that?
He replied:
- Half time, switch sides.
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.
Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30 minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking and quivering.
"Are you OK, sir?" asked the stew?
"Yes, I'm fine." said the man.
Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again..
"Are you sure you're alright sir?"
"Yes." said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"Whats wrong?" asked the stew, "Is he not house broken?"
"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"
