Random joke from this category
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said:
- Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?
The Vicar said:
- Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking.
The villager said:
- Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says:
- I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!
- Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.
- I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?
- Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.
- I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!
- Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled:
- Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!
Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?
→ Her knickers fit her like a glove!
Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning:
- I want a man, I want a man.
Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest and groans:
- I want a bike, I want a bike.
An aging hooker volunteered to give the novice a few tips on the art of fellatio. Satisfied that she had perfected the basics, the old pro asked the beginner if she had any questions.
- Well yeah. I was wondering how long dicks should be sucked.
- The same as the short ones, honey.
A guy's fingering his girlfriend.
She says:
- Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me.
He says:
- That's not my ring...
- It's my wristwatch.
Man to a woman: Do you know what the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?
Woman: No.
Man: Let's have lunch sometime...
This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says:
- Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas.
- Sure - he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says:
- Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?
The guy says:
- No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into.
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties:
- After all, dear - she said to her husband - you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?
- No - her husband replied.
- Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver.
