Random joke from this category
A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
- Reach up there and find out.
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said:
- Oh, it's gruesome!
- Aye, it has - replied the Scotsman.
- and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more!
Why do Southern guys go to family reunions?
→ To meet chicks.
How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
→ Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.
Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner.
The minister says:
- My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?
The farmer says:
- I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at Ralph:
- Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!
Ralph looked out the window and said:
- I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!
Mary cried:
- If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!
So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he started running along side the others -- only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him:
- Do you always run in the nude?
Ralph answered, while gasping for air:
- Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.
The other runner then asked the nude man:
- Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?
Ralph answered breathlessly:
- Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
The runner then asked:
- Do you always wear a condom when you run?
Ralph answered:
- Only if it's raining.
What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
→ A mosquito stops sucking once you whack it.
Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?
→ Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was:
- It's a period - reported Johnnie.
- Well I can see that - she said.
- But what is so exciting about a period?
- Damned if I know - said Johnnie - but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
- I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static - she says.
- Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent? - the clerk replies.
- Head Cleaner - Mary replies.
Why do women fake orgasms?
→ Because men fake foreplay.
