Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

- Is that your husband? he inquired nervously.

- No, silly, she replied, snuggling up to him.

- Your boyfriend then? he asked.

- No, not at all, she said, nibbling away at his ear.

- Well, who is he then? demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, she answered:

- That's me before the surgery.

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

What's the difference between acne and a priest?
→ Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

Names to Use in Prank Calls:

- Hugh G. Rection

- Jim Nassium

- Claire Voyence

- Buster Hyman

- Anita Moore (Roger's Mom)

- Dick Peede

- Mike Hunt

- Mai Dixie Wrecked

- Jon Doe's brother Dil

Why do you live like a NUN after you get married?
→ NUN in the morning, NUN in the afternoon, NUN in the evening, NUN what so ever!

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely:

- I demand proper manners in bed - she declared - just as I do at the dinner table.

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.

- Is that better? - he asked, with a hint of a smile.

- Yes - replied the girl - much better.

- Very good, darling - the husband whispered.

- Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

- Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare.

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

- Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minor heart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. The cardiologist said:

- Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you can do for your recovery.

So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife what the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him:

- That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice.

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

- All right - one of the girls said - the first one to speak has to do them.

The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her bedroom.

Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and approached the second girl. Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.

When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove.

- Hey, where's some petroleum jelly? - he hollered from the kitchen.

- Oh, hell! - the male roommate said, jumping up - I'll do the dishes.