Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says:

- We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after.

- Well, since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus. - the doctor replies.

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there:

- Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.

- Great - says Sam - after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.

As Enoch is leaving he stops:

- Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking.

- Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops:

- More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.

Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd.

- Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.

Once again Enoch turns from the door:

- I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

- Now that's not a problem - says Sam - Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says:

- Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said:

- Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!

- Hell, that's nothing - she answered, ripping open her blouse.

- Look what he did to my tits!

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

- Well - said Mike - You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.

Lesbians can also take Viagra. They don't have to swalow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.

How do you know if your secretary's having a bad day?
→ Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
→ They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!

Consider the following: Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string!"

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?"

A farmer sent his 15 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck.

- See if you can get a girl in exchange for this - he said.

In town, the lad met a prostitute and said:

- It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to...

- Sure - she said.

- I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck.

Afterwards, she said:

- Do you know, for a 15 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck.

- Sure - said the boy.

When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2.

When the lad returned home, his father asked:

- Well, how did you make out?

His son replied:

- Heck, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck!