Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman:

- For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget.

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says:

- So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?

The woman replies:

- No, I want four times in the rocker.

- Kiss me - said the young lady urgently.

- Please kiss me.

But the young man turned his head away, saying:

- Of course not. How can I? I'm your own brother-in-law. Hell, we shouldn't even be lying here making love.

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.

No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

All My Love,
Jimmy

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

What's the difference between a Geneologist and a Gynecologist?
→ A Geneologist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

- Greetings, Miss Lewinsky, - the genie said. - Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish.

- Well, - Monica replied, - I'm going to be on television a lot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles.

- Your wish is my command, - said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.

Up walks a so called lady of the night. She says:

- For $300.00, I'll do anything you want.

Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:

- Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
→ There's white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
→ There's writing on the white-out.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
→ She has a checkbook.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde?
→ There is a stamp on it.

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
→ By the buckle print on her forehead.

How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
→ He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
→ She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?
→ "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
→ By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
→ You only have to punch information into a computer once.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
→ You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

What did the blonde think of the new computer?
→ She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
→ (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
→ Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

How do you kill a blonde?
→ Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

How do blondes pierce their ears?
→ They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Why don't blondes make Jello?
→ They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little boxes.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
→ All you can eat, under a buck.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
→ Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Why don't blondes eat bananas?
→ They can't find the zipper.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
→ "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Did you know Sex is a crime?
→ Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..

Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
→ The blonde - she is eighteen.

There were two guys walking down the street and they saw a dog licking his nuts.

One of the guys said:

- Man I wish I could do that.

Then the other guy said:

- Man that dog will bite you!