Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets?
→ To smell like big girls.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

- How'd you get a cork in your ass?

- I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said: I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish. And I said: No shit.

What should you say if he asks you:

- Am I your first?

→ You might be - you look familiar

A man goes to his bank manager and says:

- I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it?

The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies:

- Buy a big one and wait

A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor.

He says:

- Doctor, I want to put her on the pill.

The Doctor says:

- Why?!? Is she sexually active?

The guy says:

- Nah, she just lies there like her mother.

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say:

- Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?

- Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore! - announces a proud physician.

- They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history.

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

- Doctor, Doctor! - exclaims the man excitedly.

- I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!

- Well, I'm glad to hear that - says the pleased physician.

- What does your wife think about it?

- Wife? - asks the man.

- I haven't even been home yet!

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says:

- Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says:

- Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis:

- Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.

Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells his mother:

- Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.

- Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday. - His mother says.

- Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

- Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the sweetest interns I've ever had.

What the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex?
→ Fill his water bed with gasoline.