Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the watercooler at the office.

- Veronica, I just don't know what to do, - Gloria said to her friend at work.

- That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?

- Oh, my God! - her friend exclaimed.

- He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic s*x!

- What should I do? - asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied:

- Wear an old dress.

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?" "Don't Miss me, mister." "Well then, you better make it 13."

What is green, has four legs and smells like woman?
→ The white house's pool table

Billy was 14 and just started jerkin off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day, his dad walked in on him while he was jerkin off! Billy was so embarrassed. He pulled up his pants as quick as he could. But, his dad already seen him.

- Billy, doing that will make you go blind

- Dad, I'm over here!

How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
→ He forgot to wrap his whopper.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
→ A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her), I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him), I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!

181. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
     → Branch Manager.
182. How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
     → She fell out of the tree.
183. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
     → Wave at her.
184. What do you call a smart blond?
     → A golden retriever.
185. How do you check a blonde's IQ?
     → With a tire gauge.
186. How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
     → A 69 interrupted by a period.
187. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
     → "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
188. Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
     → They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
189. Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow?
     → So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
     → So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
190. Why aren't BLONDES good cattle herders?
     → Because the can't even keep two calves together!
191. Why don't blonds breast feed?
     → Because they always burn their nipples.
192. How did the blonde burn her nose?
     → Bobbing for french fries.
193. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
     → To cover up the valve stem.
194. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
     → Spot.
195. What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
     → Air Supply.
196. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
     → The back of her head.
197. Why do blondes drive VW's?
     → Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
198. How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
     → Tell them a joke on Friday night!
199. Why did God create blondes?
     → Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
200. Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
     → So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
     → So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

What's the difference between men and women?
→ Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!

Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said:

- Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, 'Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' 'Why?' says her friend. 'Don't you have a vase?'

They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!

- What was that? - starts Hefner's friend.

- Oh, probably just the umbrella stand...