Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the new downhill racing skis the ski resorts are selling this year?
→ They are called Lewin-skis. They are for people who like to go down.

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
→ When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

One day a guy and a girl were making out in the guy's car in the girl's driveway. They began to get pretty hot and heavy when the guy reached into his pants and placed his cock in her hand.

She froze, jumped up and said:

- I've got two words for you, DROP DEAD!

Then he said:

- I've got two words for you, LET GO!.

ring ring

- Hello?

Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated:

- Hello?

- I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom - a male voice whispered huskily.

- ...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning.

- Geez - the woman replied.

- you can tell all that from two hello's?

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle.

- Hi hon - she purred sexily.

- Y'all want some of this?

- Hell, no! - he hollered.

- Look at what it's done to your undies!

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her....

He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comes back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....he says to the man...:

- this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....but this is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to get her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!

so the man forks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into a champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his compliments.....

The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather disinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off her barstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a most seductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrifically excited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders and leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on his neck....and she whispers:

- Hey big boy....want to go shopping?

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.

One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said:

- You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her.

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied:

- Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her.

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said:

- Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ BILL CLINTON: Let me say this one more time. I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from his girlfriend at Oxford?
→ I did not have textual relations with that woman.

Two men were talking.

- So, how's your sex life?

- Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.

- Social Security sex?

- Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!