Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette ?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing"

What do you get if you put your hand down a psychic's pants?
→ Your palm red once a month.

Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time?
→ She managed to squeeze them both in.

Why do they put strings on tampons?
→ So you can floss after you eat!

Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.

They were discussing the fact that if they go for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes, but if they take the cigarettes with them, they will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The ladies go up to the girl and ask:

- How do you keep your cigarettes dry?

Her answer:

- I put them inside of a condom.

The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a condom. When the pharmacist asks:

- What size? - one of the ladies says.

- It should fit a Camel.

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says:

- Stick it through that curtain.

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

- That's not a foot! - screams the nurse on duty.

- Holy shit, lady! - the drunk exclaims.

- I never knew you had a minimum!

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head:

- No. A clerk came over and asked:

- May I help you?

- I don't know - said the woman.

- Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.

She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.

Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said:

- Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose.

Now I understand what marketing is:You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her:

- I am very good in bed. That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her:

- That guy over there is very good in bed. That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her:

- I am very good in bed. That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her:

- Do you remember how good I am in bed? That is Customer Relationship Management. You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her:

- I am very good in bed. That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you:

- I heard you are very good in bed. That is BRANDING!!

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman:

- For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget.

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says:

- So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?

The woman replies:

- No, I want four times in the rocker.