Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog onto the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".

The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU. The dog's dead!!!"

What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

Which fish can perform operations?
→ A Sturgeon!

Where do little fishes go every morning?
→ To plaice school!

What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
→ A motor pike!

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
→ He prawned everything!

- 1st kipper: 'Smoking's bad for you'

- 2nd kipper: 'It's OK, I've been cured'

What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
→ Skate!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
→ Fsh!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
→ A hermit crab!

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
→ As far away as possible!

Why did the whale cross the road?
→ To get to the other tide!

Why do Scottsmen wear kilts?
→ The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog!"

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!"

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend: "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"Ok, what about the earsth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat," said the midget.

With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase.

I'd like to see her run!"

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.

The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Tokyo, Japan:
A bull bound for slaughter gave its handlers the slip Wednesday and escaped into Tokyo's teeming streets.

The 1,300-pound bull, shipped in from southern Japan, thundered down the gangplank as soon as it was lowered, bolted past port police and headed for the wide open spaces.

More than 20 policeman chased the animal for 40 minutes through nearly three miles of city traffic before managing to herd it into the parking lot of a posh hotel. Waiting patrol cars formed a makeshift corral to avert another escape.

Police then roped the bull's horns and tied it to a tree until the owner came to transport it.

Why does an elephant have four feet?
→ Because it would look silly with six inches.

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said, "If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!"