Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did the pervert cross the road?
→ He was stuck to the chicken.

How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm?
→ It has a blue light!

What's green and has wheels?
→ A Frog
I lied about the wheels

Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't.
→ Stick his bill up his ass.

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
→ An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
→ Six weeks old!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
→ This is the end of me!

- Policeman: One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.

- Zoo Keeper: Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!

Why do the elephants have short tails?
→ Because they can't remember long stories!

How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
→ I'll tell you tomorrow!

- Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden!

- Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!

- My elephants got no trunk?

- How does it smell?

- Terrible!

What do elephants sing at christmas?
→ Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...

Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
→ Elephanta Claus!

Why do gorillas have big noses?
→ Because they have big fingers.

What do worms leave round their baths?
→ The scum of the earth!

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
→ So he could hide in the cherry tree!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
→ Big holes all over Australia!

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
→ One is a weak one and the other one week!

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
→ Trunkquilizers!

Why are elephants grey?
→ So you can tell them from flamingos!

- Elephant Keeper: My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?

- Zoo Keeper: No, all the doctors I know are people!

Why do elephants scratch themselves?
→ Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
→ He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
→ Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!

How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
→ Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
→ Because he was newt to the area!

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.

She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils, and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils, and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around, just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!

This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.

Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it hurt?) She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought, "oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!