Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What has four legs and eight arms?
→ A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area.

What lives in gum trees?
→ Stick insects!

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee... That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there any way you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

What kind of Bees make honey?
→ Honey Bees!

What kind of Bees make Milk?
→ BOOBIES!

How do you catch a polar bear?
→ First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

What is a dog's favorite sport?
→ Formula 1 drooling!

What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
→ A Great Dane out!

Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
→ Anywhere it wants to!

What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?
→ "I must throw that doggie out the window!"

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
→ A bloodhound!

Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
→ Because his boots were at the menders!

What is a dog's favorite food?
→ Anything that is on your plate!

What is the only kind of dog you can eat?
→ A hot dog!

What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it?
→ A sausage dog!

What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
→ Use a pencil instead!

What is a spiders favorite TV show?
→ The newly web game!

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.

The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, and wasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand.

He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom, "who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at the castle at noon, the following Sunday."

Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decided to have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.

Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat, and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.

The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.

The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow, and wasn't even tired.

The king went up to him, and said "Congratulations, you are the only one worthy enough to marry my daughter."

And the suitor replied, "Forget your daughter, I want your cow!"