Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
→ Cockerpoodledoo!

What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories?
→ A shaggy dogs tale!

Why do dogs run in circles?
→ Because its hard to run in squares!

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
→ Terrier-fied!

What do you get if you cross a gun dog with a telephone?
→ A golden receiver!

What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
→ Dingo Starr!

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
→ The collie wobbles!

What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
→ A dusky husky!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
→ A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!

When does a dog go "moo"?
→ When it is learning a new language!

What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?
→ Chump chops!

How many seasons are there in a dogs life?
→ Just one, the moulting season!

What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!

Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?
→ Because they mess up the whole house!

How do you stop a dog smelling?
→ Put a peg on it's nose!

What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk?
→ Any times he wants to!

When is a black dog not a black dog?
→ When it's a greyhound!

How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?
→ Melon-collie!

What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones?
→ Hush puppies!

What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow?
→ Slush puppies!

A Duck walks into a bar.

- Duck: You got any bread?

- Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread

[After a few minutes]

- Duck: You got any bread?

- Barman: Look, we don't have any bread

[In a little while]

- Duck: You got any bread?

- Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!

[Some time later]

- Duck: Got any bread?

- Barman: If you ask me if I've got any F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar..................

- Duck: You got any nails?

- Barman: NO!

- Duck: You got any bread?

What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
→ A bird who knocks before delivering its message!

What do you call a very rude bird?
→ A mockingbird!

Where do birds meet for coffee?
→ In a nest-cafe!

How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
→ With it's sparrowchute!

What is green and pecks on trees?
→ Woody Wood Pickle!

What happened when the owl lost his voice?
→ He didn't give a hoot!

What do you call a Scottish parrot?
→ A Macaw!

What do you call a bird that lives underground?
→ A mynah bird!

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
→ A great walkie-talkie!

How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs?
→ They sit eggsaminations!

What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?
→ A duck filled fatty puss!

What kind of cat should you take into the desert?
→ A first aid kitty!

Why do cats chase birds?
→ For a lark!

What do cats read in the morning?
→ Mewspapers!

What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws?
→ An acrocat!

What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
→ Puss in boots!

Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house?
→ Because she heard fowl language!

There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out. How many were left?
→ None. They were all copy cats!

You don't see many reindeer in zoos, do you?
→ No. They can't afford the admission.

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed.

"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case.

After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

When should you stop for a glow worm?
→ When he has a red light!